never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
