I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
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