maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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