Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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