my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
