She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
