Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
