Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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