There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
