I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
