i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
