Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
