guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
