I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
