you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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