god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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