I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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