Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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