I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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