I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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