Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
