Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
