I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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