my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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