I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
