how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
