JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
