he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My feet surprised me
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