NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
