I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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