I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Randomize
