I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
