I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
