It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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