i don't like sucking hair
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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