I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
True strength comes from lack of pants
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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