Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
