the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
