dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
