just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
need another drink. this is the easiest way
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
