he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i think i just lost a toe
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
