Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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