my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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