I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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