One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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