Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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