I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
