i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
