Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
