remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
