You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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