a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
